Pizza Hell

I was craving a pizza and feeling lazy at the same time.  So, we ordered pizza from a place in town we hadn't gone to before.  As those of you who have read my posts know, the take-out pizza around here isn't very good.  This new place wasn't so great, either.

I should have known I'd be disappointed.

Thing is, the pizza shows a little promise. A little hope. The toppings are good. So is the sauce.

Then, it all goes bad. The cheese used wasn't so good ... although, for P250 per pizza, I can't complain much about that. Getting real cheese here is expensive. So, this sin is forgivable.

The crust, isn't. It's a Bisquick crust. Blasphemy! As pizza sins go, this is a mortal sin. There just isn't any coming back from this one. The crust was like a cracker.

Note: I actually like Bisquick for the things at which it is good ... quick breads ... pancakes, dumplings, etc.  It makes those easy for those times when you just don't feel like going the whole distance.

Pizza crust is not a quick bread.  It is a real bread.  It needs real yeast.  I needs a rising, proofing, punching down, working, etc.  Anything else is a crime against all that is good in the world.

Now, you might be thinking ... "OK, James, so they screwed up the crust by being lazy, cow pie eating morons.  That doesn't make this pizza hellish, just bad.  Don't be so hard on them!"

Look closely at the picture.  See that white stuff?  Any guesses what it is?  We didn't spill any milk on this pizza.  The white hasn't been added through some kind of Photoshop-like software.  Want to know what it is?  Scroll down past the picture.

It's mayonnaise!  Not just any mayonnaise.  Philippine mayonnaise.  It's sweeter than that which we buy in the States (and, yes, if you're wondering, the Miracle Whip here is like a dessert topping).

There is no amount of repentance that can save their Culinary Souls.  They are condemned to Pizza Hell for Eternity.  May their cereal be soggy and their Coke be flat!